I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not actually going to announce that I posted this so if you made it here somehow some way, welcome to my thoughts.
First off, I want to address this terrible thing that has been haunting me forever and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m really hoping that writing about it will help me overcome it, or learn to deal with it, or understand it more so I can deal with it better? I don’t know, so I guess we’ll see.
So anxiety has been the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me in my entire life EVER. It’s crippling, is terrible, its anything but numbing. It’s so loud and no matter what I attempt to distract myself with, it always finds a way back.
One of the most difficult things about anxiety, other than anxiety itself, is trying to explain it to other people. Nobody really, actually, understands what it feels like if they do not experience it themselves. So that is why I am going to attempt to explain how anxiety feels. No I’m not exaggerating, no I’m not stretching the truth or whatever.
You know the feeling when your parents find out you’ve done something wrong, or when they ask you to see your phone? And you know that feeling when your heart feels like its being wrapped tightly with twine, like a roast about to go into the oven, and you can feel your heart in pain. You feel it beating. Okay so there’s part one.
Now they have your phone or whatever and they’re just browsing through it. You feel you’re about to get into trouble, you don’t know what’s coming and you are anticipating the absolute worst. That feeling of WAITING for something to go wrong. That is the worst part out of all of this. That’s part two.
And you know the after math of guilt you feel after you’ve done something wrong. It sits in the pit of your stomach and its painful and it makes you want to scream and you know it could have been avoided and that it was your fault and that everything is all wrong now because of what you’ve done. There’s part three.
So those are the main three things that I could actually explain in a way that may possibly make sense to someone who doesn’t experience anxiety. Now imagine feeling all three of those things at the same time, all the time.
Now no, I don’t have anxiety ALL the time. I’m not always having a panic attack, I’m not always on the verge of tears, but it happens a lot more often than people may assume. Like at night before going to sleep, when I get a phone call, when someone leaves the house, when someone says they’ll be there at 5:00 and its already 5:15. Anything and everything can trigger anxiety but the worst is when you have a panic attack for NO REASON. Nothing is going on, everything is fine, there is absolutely no logical reason that I can use to explain why I had a panic attack, but I did and there is nothing I can do about it. (unless I were to take medication but I am not willing to do that lol).
It’s just really difficult to explain anxiety and it’s really awkward in public situations. For example if I were to say “I’m having major anxiety” or “My anxiety has been really heightened this past week” people will either give weird looks or be like
“oh just try to calm down”
“drink some tea”
“yeah I was getting anxiety before my last test”
Yeah, I mean I wish i could just hit the “off” switch or drink some tea to get over my anxiety but it really doesn’t work that way. So that’s basically why I try not to bring up anxiety on a serious note around others because it just makes everything awkward for everyone.
But that brings up another problem – having nobody to talk to that understands what it feels like. And that results in feeling really alone and helpless.
And then that brings up God. I cry a lot, and I scream a lot and I get really emotional really quickly because my mind goes to the worst possible scenarios about any given subject ever. It makes it hard to go out with friends, as leaving the house becomes increasingly difficult when you think about all of the risks associated with getting in a car, being in a public space, drunk drivers, open carry, not to mention everything that could happen at home while I’m not there.
So the one and only thing that was able to calm me down when I had the worst panic/anxiety attack ever was when my parents told me to make wudu and pray two rakaas. It calmed me down so so so much and I felt better. I prayed for comfort and peace of mind because I thought I was going crazy, I really thought I was losing it. Since then, the only thing that has helped me is praying salat ul istikhara, which is a prayer of two rakaas and a duaa that you read during your last rakaa. It is mainly done when trying to make a decision, it’s to provide clarity and help you do what is better. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my religion to lean back on.
Welp, this ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated and I could go on for a long while but I think I’ve put enough out there. I really don’t think anyone will see this..? I don’t want to end up deleting it because I really want anyone who may be going through the same thing to not feel alone but at the same time writing about something that I struggle with so much and putting it out in public makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable. I’ll see what I end up doing.
If you did end up reading this and made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. And if this helped you in anyway, I’m glad. And if you know someone is struggling with anxiety, please let this be a way to bridge an understanding of their situation so you can be a better friend, and if you think you may have had anxiety this whole time and just didn’t know, go see your doctor and make sure you are taken care of – because your mental health is just as important as your physical health.